[you know when people say]
You know when people say “I remember when things were simple.” I find myself foolishly falling through a black hole waiting and waiting to be caught by a memory of when that was, but I can’t seem to remember when anything was simple in my life. It seems it’s always been full speed, running in circles, forward then backward, my stomach always falling out of my ass, while I’m eating a foot and I’m vomiting up ways to keep passing bye. Holding on to today’s because they were all I had, and they were more terrifying than yesterday. I didn't remember much, but come what may, I felt the guilt of them come morning. I liked the sick feeling of the hangover disguising how disgusted I was with myself. I know it is now, but I don’t remember my heart ever being full. I do remember trying to find moments of simplicity ten minutes here maybe an hour there, but those could just be my imagination because I can’t remember the rest and I’ve hit the bottom of the barrel.
She wasn’t the kind of girl you would name hurricanes after,
She didn’t leave you in destruction
Hell you couldn’t tell she was ever here in the first place
She was the type of girl you would name a comet after,
And with hope you awaited for her return.
A Decade Decayed
Sometimes I can’t remember the images of my past or how I ended up here. It’s like a flip book only containing a few pages when I close my eyes, but I can feel it in my stomach twisting knots and pushing them up my throat.
I smell it, it smells like that purple can of hairspray and Sailor Jerry’s, late nights that never slept, that dew in the morning reminding the sun it’s time to dry it up.
It smells like your discounted bath and Body Works lotion and your Starbucks smile, it smells like your Aéropostal t-shirt when I wore it to bed after that one night.
And it smells like your cologne when you forgot to tell me bye the morning you left me without a piece of my heart.
It’s as if I’m stuffed with those missing pages like a toddler pretending her plate isn’t still covered with food, forcing a smile, “It’s all gone.”
And even after all the wrongs
Never knowing just how deserving of
You still managed to give me a right
If lost, you said I’ll leave on the porch light
Leading me home, racing around the curves of your spine
Underneath these skies in your eyes
Until you kiss me goodnight, I won’t sleep
Sometimes I move without ever using my feet
Not by choice, it echoes in my head
But there is nothing like climbing
The rocky texture of your voice
Pulling me back
When I reach and find the cold, I know I’m not alone
Thanks for always welcoming me home.
Out of State
I saw that black label today
vaguely reminding me of a familiar friend
the kind conveniently there
one willing to leave it all behind
like it never existed
text inbox reads “I miss you”
but you’ll never fix that
I reached out for it
searching for a response
but it stood cold
I tightened my fist like a noose around its neck
but I was the one not breathing
as I thought if I shot it we would just both bleed out
[Sometimes we must bend]
Sometimes we must bend over backward to accomplish things we didn't think we had in us, or something we didn't think was possible much like being in more than one place at a time.
When really and truly we are everywhere, the hands we have shook, the hearts we have broke and the cities our feet have walked amongst. We are everywhere, embrace this life for what it is, but don't limit yourself to what you are.
[It's quite empowering]
It's quite empowering embracing the ability to put my thoughts down on paper and slightly terrifying publicly displaying them for whomever to see. However you will never know what was meant by them or if there is any relation at all. And that's just it, quite brilliant how people will see what they want.
[Relentless the pulls and tugs]
Relentless the pulls and tugs at your mind while lying in bed wide awake next to the one you love sleeping so peacefully. Trying to gather why you allowed yourself to go to bed with uneasiness. The ability to have an excessive amount of stubbornness can cause a downpour of emotions alone at times. Being told I'm difficult seems more reasonable in times such as these. Fighting the urge to roll over and awake you, craving you, wanting to be held and nearly needing to cry. But knowing better than to disrupt your slumber with such an emotional debacle. Instead lying here listening to you breathe finding the strength to realize the great peace that such brings me seems much less intruding.
Goodnight and wildly sweet dreams, with hope you don't see what a nightmare I truly am.
Cigarette smoke still forming around the ashtray, bourbon a little watered down, and I'm hungry for more. Just when I think I'm done, it begins. Dim lights and cramped hands, it never ends. I light another and sip it until I'm under.
One Down, Four Up
I want to move in with you, but not just into this house with you. I don't want to just sleep in your bed, over take the closet space and make your bathroom smell like a girl. I want to move into you with my soul and my heart, I want to impact you the hardest anyone has ever done and I want to make you feel like no one ever can or will. I want to move into you and I want this, I want us more than you will probably ever know. But dammit I will try with every thing in me to show you just that.
As I am frolicking around I am dazzled by a mountain that I must explore. And who in their right mind would come down from being on top of the world? As dark as my mind might be, I've never seen stars so bright from up here.
Trembling at your command.
Significant to candle wax;
Silk for skin.
Lips as good as sin.
Our ship has set sail.
O Captain! My Captain!
Bursting into the waves.
We will dry together in hell.
But this is far too satisfying to care either way.
I tend to hide behind this door that I have closed gently, it seems to me that it is safe here. Whether lacking proof of being true or not, it’s not a question that has to be answered within these walls. I sink into the frigid sheets and drown within pages covered in black ink. Yet I’m still not as bottomless, as complex, as fucked as what lies beyond this door.
Our bodies are aligned, place a hand on my spine. You are reading each and every sign, like you are familiar with the next line. I'm on cloud nine. It can't be defined, your legs strap mine, incline. Lips like wine. You have hit the center line, now I must draw the line, approaching the finish line. Bodies still intertwined. We may have just redefined, unsure let us realign, back at the starting line. Like forbidden fruit right off the vine, while our bodies are align.
Pack your things, get out.
Where to land? Probably another couch.
Words said. Tears shed. Kid, make your bed.
Didn't know it could come to this.
Tension in the air, closed fist.
Empty clothes rack.
Don't look back.
What once was, now is pitch black.
Cross the bridge, set it on fire.
The best for me you no longer desire.
It's always fun while it lasts.
Put it away in the archive noted "The Past."
Visions blurred with contrast.
Bye for now my once dear friend it seems it has come to a tragic end.
Loss of air, feeling faint.
Your legs and I acquaint.
South, but I'm no saint.
The room, the bed, you... it's all taint.
If you think I'm emaciated, darling I ain't.
You took the old shackled house I'd been living in and tore it apart. You broke down the walls like they never existed. Before I could question where I would settle down next, you opened up your arms as if they were doors and handed me a key. You said, "I told you I've been waiting for you to realize that I will always be your home."
Dusty worn out shoe box filled with the faded movie stubs, hand written letters, and crinkled pictures. Knick-knacks and what-nots that would only make sense to the party of two. Opening the box allows this overwhelming feeling of empty promises and lost dreams to overshadow the room. Dating all the way back... three crucial years. Where does the time go? We will never know. But all of this time will stay within the dusty worn out shoe box beneath my bed. Heartbreaking it seems there is no place for any new memories.
One Room, No Words
There are times like now, when I feel the urge to write, to tree swing into the pit of my emotions. Yet the words refuse to puncture the idea. It's a contradicting life to live being able to sit face to face with everything you feel, sipping white wine and listening to Frank Sinatra, just making small talk.
Something about the rain.
Clinging me to my bed frame.
Revealing this amount of pain.
Dark clouds keep me sane.
Allowing my brain to drain.
Reoccurring a hopeless strain.
She's away, it explains this god forsaken rain.
Fairy tales. Fairy tales.
Burn in hell.
Playlist out dated.
Head in lap.
Make your bed.
Knowledge progresses with age.
However I know nothing more.
Locked and loaded, no certainty.
What ifs and whys.
Heart aches and lies.
Outraging riots and allies.
Suck it up, kid.
Cross your T's and dot your I's.
They've all got alibis.
Open your eyes.
The past haunting.
Yet the comfort is inevitable.
The future promising.
However the keeper tends to cross his fingers.
They'll eat us alive.
The depth of one noun
Usually brings peace to one's soul
A stable foundation
Familiar, comfort, love
A soul you touch
A door you open
A road you travel
My hands are in my pockets
Every door is closed
My car is running low on gas
I'm more familiar with these
Running on Empty
I'm a runner, they say.
Running away from yesterdays and toward tomorrows that don't quite exist.
It's something flowing through my blood, my heart's racing, I can't resist.
They think this is a problem, they tell me there are so called solutions.
I'll just keep running, I don't choose to fill my voids with substitutions.
Far too enticing.
More or less frightening.
Sort of enlightening.
Did I mention exciting?
Leaving me thriving.
Yet I'm surviving.
In reality, I'm liking...
This company of yours.
Daddy Issues & Booze
You don't need to walk a mile in my shoes.
I'll tell you straight up, I have daddy issues.
I hate watching the fucking news.
Yes, I have a handful of tattoos.
It's alright that we have different views.
Sometimes something triggers, I guess it's a short fuse.
I reckon it's not just me, we all have our loose screws.
And just like you, I have my items I misuse.
But I don't judge how you handle your blues.
The words pour out and in, I pour the booze.
That night brown eyes sparkled like the Fourth of July, stars lit up every inch of the sky. And from that moment on I knew my life would never be the same. I climbed on top of that rocket ship and fumbled down a slide straight into a galaxy of her. She was out of this world and my view was better than any that a telescope had to offer. Intoxicating me, I was wasted, hammered. Burning me with desire, I was on fire, consuming me, ashes. My cure for cancer. Deep in our moon child ways, too stubborn to let our feet touch the ground. I can't breathe on Earth, I drown, but she's my breath of fresh air. I bet tasting her would feel like a shot of fireball whiskey, fiery, but soothing. Thoughts raging in my head like a meteor shower, can't distract me from this perfectly shaped full moon. I make a wish upon a shooting star, no matter near or far; we will always find each other in the night.
The way I see it you have one of two options; One being for you to come here and burrow in these arms of mine building a nest of comfort as you drown the pain away in your tears. The other option being for you to come here, lay down in this bed I've made for you as I fuck the pain away and it's left drowning in you.
I don't understand this reality.
Infested with such brutality.
What happened to the southern hospitality?
Is it lost amongst the chaos of people's sexuality>
Lost in the generation's mentality.
It's not a matter of impracticality.
When it's all simply irrationality.
It's all a hoax of physicality.
When it's obviously you normality.
You were bred with such a morality.
The world as we know it briskly approaching finality.
Without touching, our bodies convulsed.
Without talking, our minds conversed.
Without kissing, our lips moistened.
Without thinking, our hearts poisoned.
What Lies Beneath
As I begin writing, I'm lost behind walls of tears I'm crying.
Usually I know what's going to come out when I start to write, but nope that's not the case tonight.
Tonight's different than any other, tonight I'm going to sink in my bed as I smother.
Smother behind the darkness of this demon, he's surrounding me, working his way in.
Please darling don't break, don't let him in again, don't cave. There isn't much more you can take.
You've gotten close twice, they say third time's a charm and this demon doesn't play nice.
I check the lock
I look at the clock.
I put my iPod on the dock.
You get so ahead of yourself, wanting to know the end. Stop. Put that book back on the shelf.
Day by day they say, even you say, but you've found this in between. It's dark, it's gray.
Although if you believe there is to be said this light, come that time it shines so beautifully bright.
I don't know what I believe anymore, not with the way I feel right now. I can't be sure.
I'm sinking beneath so gracefully, before I know it could be over so peacefully. One last breath so tastefully.
Without causing any pain, and before the sun rises I'll be rid of all these dark thoughts driving me insane.
I'll float on, no more shame, leaving the people behind with the words hidden beneath my name.
That's it three minutes, no more. I'm gonna slam the door on this tragic thing we call life. Such a dirty whore.
My words are scattered, they try to see back the pieces of my heart that are shattered, the girl in the mirror looks fucking haggard.
Don't get me started on how I lost my mind somewhere in between. This damn place already looks like a crime scene. One last time I want to scream.
I slip out of my clothes.
I love how nobody knows.
I begin first with my toes. .
I'm sure it will feel like falling asleep, once it's above my nose I can't make a peep.
I've pinched myself I'm fully awake, as I splash around the thought of my life I might take.
Wildly, Sweet Dreams
Widely awoken by the nightmares haunting me head, images creeping.
Highly frustrated by these thoughts sinking me into my bed, I'd rather be sleeping.
Overly broken by the pictures flashing in my mind, left me weeping.
Wildly wishing for this to unwind, I'm back sweetly dreaming.
Nights are always the hardest for me, especially when I'm alone you see.
That's when my demons come out to play, I wish you could hear the beautiful things they have to say.
Under my moon, lying restless, sleepless.
He knows all my darkest secrets.
What goes on behind these closed doors is nothing short of weakness.
It's quiet now, how I like it except for my thoughts... they are shouting.
Why are they so loud?
I do as I'm told, leaving my demons proud.
She walked into this place, with such beauty upon grace.
With not the slightest intention, she captivated by full attention.
From every direction, I'm certain she was perfection.
I could tell you exactly what she was wearing, remembering the small of her back bearing.
I must be dreaming, as my thoughts began screaming.
This beauty, this perfection, this angel over taking my discretion.
I had to have been dreaming, either way come 2am, she'd be leaving.