Castrated Ex

I’d be lying through my teeth
If I said I hope you’re happy without me
I don’t
I can’t
I won’t
It’s not true
I hope you’re unhappy and cannot sleep
I hope you see my shadow with every lie you keep
I hope you find my hair in your socks and blankets
I hope she knows how much you fake it
I hope her touch feels as cold as you are
I hope your feeling of happiness stays far
I hope someone hurts you worse than you did me
I hope you never feel complete
And emptiness consumes your life
I hope you know you killed my light
I hope you remember me until it makes you insane
I hope the last thing on your mind is hating my name
I insist that you ache and cry
I hope my face makes you want to die
I wish I knew why
This anger inside
Resides
And thrives
And reignites when I recall the good times
That you chose to end
With no remorse
I’ll celebrate the day you’re hauled off in a hearse
She’s got your testicles in her purse
And you wear castration well
What a pretty little boy who deserves nothing but hell


Parting Ways

Stars aligned
And I saw what was meant to be mine,
And God almighty how it shined,
More adorned than a shrine,
Like it was love for the first time

Tick tock and watch the sand
Count off the time we’ve left

I would be lying if I said
I didn’t give it my best

I’ve committed petty theft
Your breathing gives me no rest
Hearing it mock me under your breath

Take what little is left
Call it a night
I never wanted to be right

Lamenting the “I love you”
I promised to save
Who needs the last word
When it’s over a grave


Go Fish

Everyone says it’s his loss but I’m the one tortured daily
Running into him at shows and seeing how easy it is to dismiss me
A stoic face is a slap to a dreamer's heart
I’ve been practicing my lines in the mirror
What I’ve wanted to say since we’ve been apart
I wish I felt closure becoming nearer
But nope
No hope
Fashion a hanging rope
Put my heart in it and watch it stop beating
Leave it there on the stoop
It’ll remind me of your leaving
And eject me from this hell on loop
I’d prefer never seeing your face again over this obsession
These are poorly constructed confessions
Ones that I barely believe
But I need them to live
Writing love up and down my sleeve
Hating every thing I know I’d still give
Find me a voodoo priest
Maybe he can assist in the release
Anything at this point to stop my nightmares
Of the throes of love and laughter we shared
Rainbows and butterflies
Good liquor and up all nights
Things that push me to an early demise
Things I despise
They fill me with a battle of thrill and the urge to kill
I have to yell and tell myself it’s just a spell and to be still
He is a thief and my sanity was the steal
Bring me my last meal
I spoke with the devil and made my deal
This is the only way to heal
Lucid dreaming to demolish what was real
Take away my ability to feel
Hook my lip and start to reel
What a catch
Throw it back


[We're constantly surrounded]

We're constantly surrounded by likes and shares,
But in reality nobody even reads the post... nobody cares
We live in a place where cameras are everywhere,
So we must be a star!
Sell your fingerprints, nobody even knows who you are.
Lights, camera, distraction is all around
We say the dumbest shit and we're told we are profound.
There is nothing left to discover,
We fall in lust with every lover.
Oxytocin and dopamine are drained on the daily,
And we reminisce about the days where we remembered them vaguely.
This is a shitty year for matters of the heart,
I’m scavenging the Earth for a button that says restart,
Or maybe self-destruct,
To save us from this rut,
We are trapped in our own minds,
And told everything is fine.
That the ice caps are in tact,
And for sure we should've been in Iraq,
The food we eat is as fake as our Facebook lives,
A make believe platform where everybody carries guns and knives.
Everybody is so big and bad on the Internet nowadays,
trolling and loling are such a craze,
I’m fucking amazed.
With our heads looking down we're stuck in this maze,
Where they want us to graze
And never show face,
Our intelligence they want erased,
Truth has been misplaced,
We think we’re so damn smart,
Now Memes are art,
Facts are alternate and they're OK with that,
We are the joke of the world now because of a stupid red hat,
With the stupid catch phrase that carries no truth,
I pray and pray for the future youth,
I hope they can undo what we've allowed to happen,
As we go down in flames the world is laughing.
Maybe I'll wake up from this dream in a room that’s padded,
Damn, I don't think I will & for that I am saddened
So doctor write me a prescription for happy pills
And I’ll snort them against my will,
So maybe for six hours I can feel.


[The problem is love]

The problem is love.
It isn't the hatred I feel for you now...

It is the love that was so destroyed
that it sent me to this place of hate,
burning, firey rage.

It isn't hate that is the problem,
it is the love that I foolishly gave.

Freely and difficultly.
Love is the problem.
Hate is the reaction.


Moonbeam Mumblings

Holy beings in a hollow shell
Feels like I know you so well
Time is irrelevant but timing is everything
My head goes blank and it's befuddling
I'm always mumbling
Sorting through what this could be
Maybe you are the key
I'm Moonbeams and starshine
You're Acid and white wine
Never enough time
It flies by
And ruins the night
Forcing it to end
Never feels right
The "until we meet again"
Meet me in my mind
Until I shake you out
We could get lost in a beat
And float in the clouds
You could teach me how to not drown
And I could teach you how to not frown


Death By Fruit

The radio silence kills me the most
I’d rather you be vicious to me
Instead you chose the form of a ghost
A plague that infected each memory
A monster that grew overnight into this silent agony
Lurking
Without a word the fire is poked
Without a sign of life your ego is stroked
You see the things I say and plead
You ignore them and kill me indeed
Pass the weed
Don’t forget the gin
The combination may bring about a grin
It would be nice to smile in the end
I wish this would leave me alone
I wish I’d never answered the phone
Lemme be like ET and phone fucking home
Blast me off on a bike into the night’s sky
Let me burn away like a star that’s died
So far away you’d think I was still light
I don’t have this kind of time
To constantly replay the best of the worst nights
It felt right
I’m naive
You were Adam and I was Eve
Find the fruit and kill me with it
Such relief would be a gift


JNE

Waves of sound crash over me
From the sounds of your cymbals
It's like a symphony
Imbedded deep into my heart
Stitching together what was torn apart
Left for dead in the dark
You sought me out like a hungry shark
Swimming through the sea
Not knowing what would be
Waves of light dance around my face
Everything is falling into place
I used to only want space
But now you're what can't be replaced
My heart beats fast and picks up the pace
My demons you seek to erase
You run them out with every glance
I never even had a chance
But a choice I had and have even still
Even though I feel like I've lost my will
The will to pretend this shouldn't be
To ignore what makes me happy
Living in a state of misery
All in the name of love
Ass backwards and upside down
Tumbling beneath the tide maybe I'd drown
But you reached into the depths and yanked me out
Saved my heart from floundering about
Waves of feelings penetrate my heart
I fell into your plan from the start
I walked right in and read the part
It was made for me like my own art
You wrote me in and you wrote it in pen
Hard to take away what's set in stone
It's like you're all I've ever known
Waves of fear vanish when you're near
You make it all disappear
You must be magic indeed my dear
You've diminished all my fear
With one smirk and a grin
You've undone me once again


[And like the sun]

And like the sun that was bound to set
Her heart was inevitably full of regret
Replacing his sound and smell with ocean waves
Erasing the path they tried to pave

Forget me and erase my face
I was nothing but a mistake
I belong to the sea and the sky
I couldn't love even if I tried


Act Three

Flip a coin and wish for heads
Hold your breath and slow your pulse
Grab the horns of what you dread
When it lands on tails try not to convulse
The dramatic nature that resides inside your filthy mind is there solely to remind and keep insubordinates in line

What a long fucking rhyme
And a waste of time

Frolic with the butterflies
Through a field of land mines
Everything is fake except your eyes
Hollowed out more with each lie
You call it a compromise
I call it a demise
Not a reprise
Or a surprise
These are syrup and sprite lines uncovered by swaying stances
And demolished romances
Three million second chances
And hours of agonizing advances

Flip a coin and scream for tails
Your fate has always been a self made jail
You drag the cup across the bars
Knowing your freedom isn't all that far
Victimized by your own delusions
Fantasized by your own conclusions
Of what this was or isn't or will be
You can hang if you want and do it gladly
I could never be mad you see
I proof read the script before you sent it to me
This is going swimmingly
Nothing but pity
Cause you're so damn pretty
Now on to Act Three


Honesty

I'm addicted to hellos with inevitable goodbyes
I only chase after those guaranteed to end in cries
The honeymoon stage is my drug of choice
I ignore the pleas and warnings of my inner voice
What does she know of forgetting how to feel?
When the flame turns cold and only the empty is real
Watching affection wither away
Day by day
Comfortability is a catalyst
Love is a bloodied fist
That sent me to survive in the abyss
Can't put my finger on what it is I miss
Maybe it is no one at all
Maybe it is the obsession of the fall
Down the rabbit hole but a fox hides there to strike
The lines blurred between love, lust, and like
If you've seen the love in my eyes die
A part of me is sorry and doesn't know why
The louder part is on to the next great high
90 days is my limit and then it's goodbye
Someone smash the internal clock of mine
That sways my feelings and keeps strict time
Maybe then I'll stop the chase
And try to embrace
The end of this race
And to stay in one place
Loving only one face
Or give me a potion to erase
These tragically romanticized scenarios
Of loving the thrill of hating to let go


Beach Day

Lead me
I won't let go of your hands
When I cant see
Beyond the mounds of sands
You say trust me
And I believe you

Blinded by the shine
Reflecting off the sea
We have come to the water's edge
You let me go free
I walk up to the ledge
And peer down into the waves
I hear my name
It crashes into the rocks of the cave
You tell me it's okay
And I believe you

The smell of salt is strong today
It fills my lungs and I start to sway
You head towards the lighthouse
You motion me to follow
I've been as quiet as a mouse
Forcing my fears to be swallowed
The sea taunts me as it sings
About what the water could bring
New life new love and so much more
If I'd just jump in and explore
But you silence its sound with a glimpse
And lead me to the edge of the fence
You tell me there's nothing to fear
And I believe you

You pick the lock and up we go
To the highest point of anything I've known
The sea is getting darker now
Upset with your plan
And how it's played out
You hum louder than the wind
It bangs against the windows
Shouting out sins
You tell me it's no friend though
And I believe you

The light from the top hurts my eyes
As it circles round us piercing the sky
You look me in my face
Wipe the dirt from my lace
You show me it's my place
Kiss the fear out
There's not even a trace
You tell me we are safe
And I believe you


[How does one mourn]

How does one mourn someone
That was never theirs to begin with?
This void feels like it is growing.
Makes no sense, but it never did to begin with.
This pain isn't worth the lack of knowing,
Now I sit befuddled and fucked up
All the gazes around me and love notes from strangers,
Clearly won't ever fill my cup, tough luck.
Your wizardry amazed me but put me in danger.
I should stayed gone when I broke the pact,
But your tears shocked me the way you chose to react.
And now I look at this and pray it's still intact.
I lie and say I won't text but self control I lack.
Cut me some slack
I swear you love me back
It's time to unpack
And retract
Every
Fucking
Moan
And
Every
Fucking
Memory.

Cleanse me of it.
Haunt me no longer.
I hate this so much.
I thought I was stronger.
I'm sorry I'm becoming a bother.
Hate me so I don't grow fonder.


[And while the words]

And while the words of Loyal Sally re-break my heart
I know you're sailing further away from me
Two sit similarly sadly in their beds far apart
I wish the winds would change and you'd float into my sea
Throw the anchor
And stay
I wanted you even on the worst day
I hate that I always have something to say
Block my number and take the pen away
Far enough, far enough away for me to fall outta love...
Send me that map and I'll be free as a dove
But it's hunting season soon
And your name kills me after I swoon
Aim for the heart and make sure it stops
It's better than all these tears I've mopped
Bottle me up and throw me into the waves
I pray for amnesia
Every God damn day